Houston, We Have a Penis

Vasco da Gama discovered a sea route to India. Hernando Cortés discovered the Baja Peninsula. And my son...has discovered his junk.

Time to update the history books.

Most of the time, his pint-sized member is inaccessible, barricaded inside his Pampers, but during his last several baths and changings, Oliver has seized both opportunity...and his schlong. He wasn't sure at first if what he had stumbled upon was even attached to him—he may still not be sure—but he certainly finds it entertaining. It is uncomfortable to watch him at work, tugging away on his peewee weewee with the ferocity of a frustrated gardener trying to uproot a stubborn bunch of carrots. It doesn't seem to bother him, however, and he hasn't yanked off anything that's supposed to remain in place, so no cause for alarm, I suppose.

He is particularly fascinated by his Lilliputian tallywhacker when in the bathtub. He will intently watch it bob up and down on the water, alongside his rubber duck, as if he is expecting it to suddenly perform some sort of trick. You've got a ways to go there, kid.

He has also discovered his toes, as well as the fact that he is able to fold his legs in such a manner that he is able to shove said toes into his mouth. You know—because his fingers are just too damn convenient. His flexibility is truly impressive. He looks like one of those products you see advertised at 4 am on HSN that is collapsible and slides snugly under your bed for easy storage.

In other news, he's come close to mastering "sitting up." Which is good news, because it means his stomach muscles are getting stronger, which hopefully means he'll stop upchucking 50% of everything he eats sooner rather than later. It's amusing to watch him work to preserve his balance, as he tips and leans in various directions, then catches and rights himself at the last second. It's like a ballet, if the ballet dancers were sleep-deprived, drunk, and on Quaaludes.

He's also making great strides in the bubble-blowing department. Say what you will about him, but that kid really knows how to put his lips together and form saliva into spheres.

We're gearing up for his first Christmas, which is really exciting. He's in love with the Christmas tree, and likes to slap at the needles. He thinks all of the lights and decorations are so pretty that he wants them all in his mouth, stat. He met Santa and didn't scream or puke. And he looks cute when dressed as a reindeer. So it's basically a smashing success thus far. Next year, when he can say things like, "wow" and "pretty" and "I didn't want this," it'll be more fun.

So yeah...penis, sitting, bubbles, Christmas. I think that covers everything.

Anyway, now that he's located his diminutive dong, it will be interesting to see at what point he also discovers what I like to refer to as "Oliver's stones."

A Little More Conversation

Well, well, well. Look who has a lot to say all of a sudden.

None of it makes any sense yet, of course. For now, at least, he sounds like a backwoodsman who just left the dentist's office and is still experiencing the lingering effects of novocaine. But for someone with not much to say, and no way to properly communicate, he sure has a hard time shutting up about it.

He's currently working on mastering a number of techniques:

• Jabber. This is the loud, nonsensical gobbledygook he creates by pushing sound up through his throat, and then slapping his lips about in a random manner. Generally, I get the impression he is trying to yell at a guy behind a deli counter because he just got shorted a half-pound of pastrami, but one can't be sure.
• Screams. These he had down pat from very early on. Still going strong. 
• Velociraptor. Usually employed when he is amused, this is a sharp intake of breath while his mouth is turned into a smile, resulting in a remarkably bird-like sound. We know it's not an indication of predatory aggression, but the cats are less convinced. 
• Bubbles. Spitting and drooling are all well and good, but these skills can be taken to even greater heights when you perform them with closed lips! He has learned this all too well. So now, emissions of saliva are accompanied by fart noises. 
• Keening. Sometimes he'll just stare off into space and wail quietly. Clearly not because he's in mourning, but simply because he's flexing his wailing muscles. You never know when you'll need them. 
• Belly laughter. Not technically a form of speech, but really damn cute. 
• Parroting. He can't quite repeat what we say just yet, but you can see him trying. I'll say, "did you have a good nap?" and he'll say, "ba-nah-d'gab-doo-gah?" Eh, close enough. 

One thing's for sure - it has certainly gotten about 30 decibels louder in our house, on average. How often must some type of sound be emitted from his mouth? "At all times," apparently is the answer. Whether he's conversing with a stuffed animal, or screaming at his applesauce, or trying to read over us while listening to a bedtime story, it always has to be something. I think he's afraid that if he gives it a break for more than a minute, he'll forget how. 

In other news, Oliver just celebrated his first ever Halloween...

...and is about to experience his first ever Thanksgiving, and first ever Christmas. His mom is pretty jazzed about that last one especially. Kid doesn't even know what he's in for. 

Maybe her holiday insanity will even scare him into silence for a minute or two. God willing. 

The Man in the Highchair

A couple of weeks ago, Oliver was introduced to real food. Okay - "real food" may be a stretch. We're talking minuscule portions of fruits and vegetables pureed into oblivion and then combined with breast milk. You can't exactly Grubhub that shit. But whatever, he sorta likes it. It will have to do until cheese becomes an option, and his entire world gets blown up.

I was really looking forward to this part. I had pictured him sitting there in his highchair, eagerly and happily ingesting all forms of new deliciousness, while he rewarded my generosity with calm and composure as he awaited each bite.

Try to feed someone who's never chewed before. I dare you. And try putting greens into the mouth of a person who does not like greens, doesn't comprehend their nutritional value, and can't understand why he should force himself to swallow them. And try getting anything past the mass of flailing limbs that make it seem as if he's trying to helicopter his avocado-hating ass straight out of there.

Attempting to get a spoonful of food into an infant is akin to trying to thread a needle through whirring propellor blades. You know the climactic scene of Star Wars, where Luke has to fire a torpedo into the Death Star's thermal exhaust port? Yeah. It's like that. But I don't have the Force. I just have two hands, dwindling patience, and a limited supply of mashed sweet potatoes.

You'll take his fingers when you pry them
from his cold, slimy mouth. 

To be fair, he actually likes the sweet potatoes. Bananas are also a hit. And he thinks peaches are peachy keen. But apparently, peas and avocados can go fuck themselves. Basically, if it's sweet, he likes it. And the stuff he's going to hate to eat when he gets older - he already hates it. So that's an encouraging trajectory. 

On the menu for the coming week: pear, green beans, spinach, and apple. One may reasonably predict that the pear and apple will be tolerated, while the green beans and spinach will be fiercely knocked ceilingward. 

But hey - whatever gets him to stop sucking on his fingers for a few minutes. He seriously cannot get enough of his own flesh. 

Welcome to Flavortown

It's been a big week for Oliver, with a lot of firsts. First time eating (semi-)solid food. First time sleeping in a big boy crib. First time getting to witness a sex offender being confirmed to the U.S. Supreme Court. It's all very exciting.

Some of his firsts came about by happenstance. Rolling over from his back to his stomach, for example. That just happened, like two hours ago. He looked truly shocked that he had accomplished the feat. It opens up a whole new world for him. It's thrilling to think that now my son has no limitations; he can roll wherever he wants to go and no one can stop him.

Some of his other firsts are intentional, and were thanks to his (four month!) check-up with the pediatrician. She advised us that we can now move him from the basinet to the crib, and can also begin initiating CIO (Cry It Out, for the layman). Which sounds great, in theory, because it means we no longer have to stay up for extended periods of time in the middle of the night feeding him, but in reality, involves waking up for seconds at a time at five-minute intervals for roughly forever, as we try to calm him without removing him from his crib, while reminding him that we haven't abandoned him. Seriously, the kid has issues.

But by far the most exciting development has been the introduction of non-milk, aka real food. We tried him on oatmeal baby cereal to start, but he acted like we were trying to feed him wet paper (which, to be fair, is what it looks like). He spit it out immediately and started crying. We gave it another couple of tries, but it may be a lost cause. Imagine my son being a picky eater.

When he tried banana, however...well, we have a winner. Now he sits there contentedly noshing on his mashed banana/breast milk mixture, entirely oblivious that there is a world with cheese and pulled pork and sourdough bread bowls all around him. He will learn in time. But for now, banana milk is the shiznit.

He also met his Grandpa Rob and Auntie Kim for the first time, as they came out with Nonnie (my mom) to get their fix of baby snuggles. We all took him to his first pumpkin patch, where he petted his first goat, went through his first corn maze, and posed for his first ever head-stuck-through-a-hole photograph.

As always, he didn't totally appear to know what the hell was going on, but all in all, he seemed to have a good time. 

Oh, and one other major first - his first time sleeping for a nine-hour chunk! It's still not the norm, but it was a pretty great feeling to wake up, look at the time, and wonder fleetingly if my son had been kidnapped. That came out wrong. You get it. 

Meanwhile, I'm suffering more and more each day from my growing Dad Jokes affliction. Things were bad enough before Oliver came along, but my condition - or pundition - is steadily worsening. Now, in addition to simply naming his stuffed animals, I've started anthropomorphizing inanimate objects that don't even offer the illusion of consciousness, as shown below: 

From left to right: Row 1: Mirror Sorvino, Angela Basinet, Wesley Wipes, Row 2: Formula K. Le Guin, Harvey Pacifierstein, Diaper Laurie, Row 3: Playmat LeBlanc, Aribottle, Boppy Montgomery

Please send help before it's too late.

Hand-In-Mouth Disease

My son is addicted to hand.

It's not easy to talk about. It's difficult as a father watching your child go through something like this, not knowing what to do or say to make it stop. You do your best; you offer him pacifiers, teething rings, etc., but the mouth wants what the mouth wants.

He's experimented with just about everything. Fingers. Palms. Wrists. He's even moved onto the harder stuff - knuckles. I can see him slipping into the abyss. But short of taking him to Hand-Suckers Anonymous meetings or committing him to a dedicated rehab facility, I'm not sure if he'll ever kick the habit. He's in deep. And so is his hand.

Please send thoughts, prayers, and pacis

My biggest worry? STD. Sucking Transmitted Drool. Now, in addition to the thin rivulet of saliva that seems to flow unceasingly from his miniature piehole, his drool envelops his entire hands, and that drool is subsequently transferred to toys, furniture, bottles, and his parents' faces. His slobber is like a raging, out-of-control virus that has spread to all corners of the house. I swear I even spotted some of it on the ceiling yesterday morning. 

My hope is that Oliver will somehow learn that hand-sucking is not the solution to all of life's problems. Right now, it's a cure-all. Hungry? In goes the hand. Tired? In goes the hand. Overwhelmed by the vast, impenetrable depth of the universe and the inscrutable essence of his own humanity? In goes the hand. 

I was never under any delusion that my son would be perfect - that he would never make mistakes. I think I even could have handled it if all he had done was a little thumb. I mean, who doesn't at least try thumb once or twice? Most understand that it's a purely recreational finger. But to watch him lose all control, to flail and scream, and then to rely on the only recourse he feels he has to dull the pain, as his entire hand finds its way into his damp germ repository... it is utterly heartbreaking. 

Never is the ferocity of his addiction so evident as when he is swaddled tightly and put to bed. He will summon superhuman strength, somehow working his arms upward and out of the sleep sack like a tiny, bald-headed Houdini, just so he can get at the objects of his obsession. 

I don't know. Maybe it's time we had an intervention. I just worry any effort in that regard would be thwarted by Oliver's basic lack of understanding of the English language. I suppose we will just stay the course - continue encouraging him to overcome his affliction by showering him with love and positivity, and remain by his side to support him during the difficult weeks and months ahead. And maybe apply a bit of castor oil to his fingertips. 

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For No Reason Whatsoever

It has begun.

For nearly three months, my son was a polite, reasonably well-mannered young man. He conducted himself in social situations with the utmost civility, only resorting to the occasional cry or scream or pitifully extended bottom lip when something was very much the matter. Then, once we had taken care of his need, he would resume his affable good nature forthwith.

But all that has changed. As of this past Saturday at 2:13 pm, all rules of etiquette and decorum have gone out the window. It is now a 24/7 hollering free-for-all. I don't know if he's simply excited to have figured out how to kick his vocal cords into a new gear, or if there is something genuinely wrong that he is desperately trying to communicate. All I can tell you is that we have changed every item of clothing on his body, wiped him down, medicated him heavily, sung show tunes, degraded ourselves for his amusement, and shoved pretty much everything we can think of into his mouth for him to lick, suck, or chew on, and...nada. For apparently no real reason, he is eternally in a state that can best be described as Janet-Leigh-the-moment-Anthony-Perkins-draws-aside-the-shower-curtain.

All right, so it isn't constant; it only feels that way. He still smiles very often, and we have it on good authority that his is the most adorable baby smile in the history of baby smiles.

Exhibit A:

He's also a looker when he isn't even smiling, but has been dressed in serious attire. Like last Saturday, when he attended a birthday high tea party that was being thrown for his mother: 

He'll grow into that hat. Don't you worry about it. 

Also - and this is big news - he had his first out-and-out belly laugh a few days ago. Erin and I were both on hand to witness it, and it was indeed glorious. It occurred when Erin repeatedly zerberted Oliver's belly against his will, so yes, that belly laugh could just be the sound he makes when he's being tortured, but it was charming regardless. 

He spent some time with his new nanny today. We're hoping that he listens to her, and respects her, but doesn't like her very much, because we don't need the competition. We'll probably make up some scandalous rumors to tell him, so that his adoration of her is kept in check. Nothing too damning, but just enough to make him happy when we're off work, and to whimper a little bit when we hand him over to her each morning. 

The only other piece of big news is that he's moved up a size in both diapers and bottle nipples, and OH JESUS THESE ARE THE MOST EXCITING THINGS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW WHO AM I WHEN DID I BECOME THIS WAY SOMEONE PLEASE HELP. 

Designing Babies

Last week, I watched a short documentary about designer babies and germline editing, and then had a dream that night that I was watching a sitcom about four funny and eccentric infants - and their token black friend - who were running a successful interior design firm in Atlanta. If this vision is any indication of where we're headed, the future is indeed terrifying.

Seriously, that designer baby shit is fucked up though, yo. Like, I'm not totally down on the science of genome engineering - I think it would be great if we could use it to eradicate deadly diseases, apply it to cellular therapy, or eliminate the gene that makes people leave their shopping cart in the middle of the grocery aisle - but mixing and matching parts to our exact specifications, as if our children are Mr. Potato Head dolls, is frightening and sick. Although... it would be pretty hilarious to see someone with an ear where their nose is supposed to be, so... I take it back. I fully endorse Hasbro's human modification efforts. 

Of course, I don't have to worry about any of this, because my kid came out perfect without any tinkering. I mean... look at this:

And this:

And good Lord - this: 

Okay, so he's got a widow peak that's verging on Eddie Muster-ish. And it will be way easier to tell what he's thinking once he grows eyebrows. And he's not a pretty crier. But in every way that counts, this kid has got it going on. 

Let's talk about the smile for a second. His smile is the best thing ever in my life. I've seen babies smile before, of course, and I've always thought it's moderately cute, but typically not need-to-share-on-Facebook cute. And then this stranger comes along, and with a mere grin, he can make me not give a shit about anything else. It's hypnotic, and glorious. And he's starting to giggle, too. The first time he belly laughs, my head might explode off my body and my neck erupt with joy. 

And we just met him. Erin and I were talking about it the other night, and we both agreed that we already like him more than we like each other. And we like each other quite a bit, so that's an impressive thing. Especially considering that he still doesn't do many tricks. His list of special skills at this point really just include "making interesting facial expressions" and "flailing arms and legs like the inflatable tube man outside a Toyota dealership." 

And yet... he's more entertaining than anything on Netflix. We're honestly thinking about canceling our subscription and just binge-watching our child 24/7.