Oh, how I now long for those days.
Be assured that we are now in full-blown Terrible Two mode. It cannot get worse than this without fatalities.
I feel that the best way to demonstrate to you the extent of irrationality on display is to imagine what a conversation might be like with him right now if he were a fully grown, supposedly mature adult.
Me: So glad you could come over. Can I get you a glass of wine? A beer?
Oliver: No.
Me: Oh. Not a drinker. No problem. Any other beverage? Water?
Oliver: No.
Me: Soda?
Oliver: No.
Me: Iced tea?
Oliver: NO NO NO.
Me: Not thirsty - roger that. Anything to snack on? Cheese and crackers, perhaps?
Oliver: Chee. Cacka.
Me: Coming right up. It's so great to catch up, by the way. Are you still at Becker & Greenstein?
[Slams door]
Me: Yeah, no, you're right. Let's not talk shop. This evening is about good friends reliving good times. You seeing anyone these days?
Oliver: No, no, NOOOOO! [Hits wall, throws truck]
Me: Oof, okay. I won't press, but I promise you I've been there, too. Dating is hard. Here are your cheese and crackers, by the way.
Oliver: No chee! No cacka! [Throws cheese onto floor, hits crackers with palm, flings cracker bits] Foo bah. Poe.
Me: I am sooo sorry. I am plum out of fruit bars and pouches. Do you want me to run out real quick?
Oliver: No cacka! Dow! Dow!
Me: Oh, God, yes, go ahead. I was an idiot to presume you'd want to eat at the table. Please - get down. Let's chat wherever you feel comfortable.
Oliver: [Runs to closet, sticks hand into litter box] Mow mow poo poo.
Me: This is...unbelievably embarrassing. I should have scraped before you got here. I'm like a Neanderthal.
Oliver: MOW MOW POO POO!
Me: I deserve that.
Oliver: NO NO NOOOOOO!!! [Hits my leg, collapses in heap on floor, tries to eat baseboard]
Me: Oh, Jesus. You're having a seizure. My grandmother used to have those. Who should I call? Should I call someone? Do you have your medication on you?
Oliver: NO NO NOOOOOO!!! NO MO! NO MO! BEAH HUG! NO NIGH-NIGH! MOMMY HUG! UN MO BOOK! [Grabs and pull's cat's tail]
Me: Shit, I think you're having a psychotic break. I'm going to call 911.
Oliver: SHUS. NO SHUS! [Removes and throws shoes] NO SOSS! [Removes and throws socks] LEGGO! LEGGO!
Me: Oh - "Let It Go?" You want to do some karaoke?
Oliver: Watz? Watz? Leggo... Esha?
Me: Oh... I wish we could watch Elsa but my dish just went out last night...
[Screams with the breath of a thousand dying men]
Me: Shit. Shit. This night is not going well.
Oliver: Daddy hug?
Me: Yeah, sure, I'm right here for you, pal. Whatever you need. Is this better?
[Squirms out of my arms, stomps to coffee table, throws decorative basket]
Me: Maybe we should reschedule.
